i wish that i love you.
that maybe my affections weren’t so selfish
my intentions not so self-propelled,
my concerns for you more genuine

But the other day
I found thunder beneath a rock.
and i felt absolved; like chains, unchained
Each lock a new.
and thoughts of you siphoned through me like heavy helium

I am deeply, inexcusably, unapologetically infatuated with you.
You remind me that I have absolutely no idea what I want.

Man this waiting is killing me.

The body is water. The body retains water. It then bloats to an uncomfortable shape. Excess is flushed out and processes to detoxify the body begin. The body strengthens  It builds, breaks, bonds, and then rebreaks tissue. The body becomes denser, bolder. But the body will break down. It will lose weight as muscle, heavier than fat, retreats deflates, decomposes. The body weakens as tissue is pulled about, suffers and deforms. An unbalance is made. The body shuts down as a misalignment of working organs strain under the pressure of dysfunction. The soul is hidden. The soul retracts and bends as the body stiffens. The soul waits as energies below and above it now call to reunite. The soul is severed as one life form joins another. So too, the soul rejoins its affinal. The soul is reborn as it changes and evolves. Change is a celestial quality. The soul shares. The soul dies. The soul becomes again, and again, and again.

I’m at better peace with torn when I’m outside sober.

Came home. All of the beds are taken. Including mine. 3 people in this room. 2 people there…. I came home and I have no where to sleep. Or be confortable. I wonder if I even crossed their fucking minds when they decided to move a family of 12 here, over night. I don’t care who these people are. It’s 5 am and I wasn’t called, texted. Nothing. You didn’t bother to ask me if It was okay to give away what is mine. You just gave it away.

Its time to stop fighting. I must start forgiving and confronting these horrible things inside me.

Things have gone back to the way they were. Which is to say we’re all fighting again. Child. He acts like a 7 year old. I’m no better sometimes. Things were atleast calm for a whIle. They were better than calm. I could finally come home and not feel like some sort of monster burdening them with my company. We could finally exchange kind words. Once they were either words of indifference or words lined with hateful resentment. Hate, because imagining you gone from life once and for all also meant peace of mind, for me. Today, our attempts to be normal functioning people, an effort that has lasted these last 2 weeks, is now over. Now we’re fighting back violent urges to throw ourselves at eachother and I feel like we’ve failed at something tonight, we’ve lost a battle that we tried to fight for. Now there’s just hopelessness left. No matter how many times we try to be civil, at peace. We can’t. Maybe it lasts a couple of weeks but it dies and we become inpatient, uncaring. Unforgiving.

You’re too proud and I’m too miserable.

And then there’s You. I just want to be done with you. I’m so miserable and resentful and angry all the time. I feel worthless and guilty and evil for how I feel and think.

Guilt tightens around the heart and reminds it two things: One, that it is heartless and wrong to be feeling so neglected. To be warm and well fed is the ultimate testament of mothers love. And to forget this is to be a horrible child but I do not forget. Nor am I horrible for feeling this way. Two, it must hide these feelings and shame them back inside. I alone must bear these emotions. Even when wrongs are committed, abuse occurs and people become broken. I can not confront these things and stand: because they may break mother’s heart. But I will and I do. And her heart is overly broken, by me. I’m so exhausted, emotionally. I want to leave. And never feel wrong or cowardly for it. I hate these people. And they are my family. What an awful thing to be said about one’s family and an even more awful feeling to have.

Tell me when you hear my silence. You’re the reason why it’s closed. There’s a possibility i wouldn’t show

“I have a story I felt would warm your heart. So, last year when I met Jay he was very homophobic as you know. He actually used ‘faggot’ and ‘gay’ as offensive terms. It wasn’t until we all hung out in Montreal that he realized gay people are real people and stopped saying things like that. I am very proud of him :’) anyway the other week we were on the subway with one friend who’s very mouthy. He was telling a story and said “that faggot” somewhere in it. Before I could even say anything to stop him Jay jumped in and said “STOP USING THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE, IT IS OFFENSIVE AND RUDE AND WILL NOT BE TOLERATED”. I was like :’) omg this is a beautiful moment.” - Bianca

Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments… and all of the ghouls come out to play, every demons wants its pound of flesh but I like to keep my issues drawn. - FM